Honestly, what did I expect?
It was a weird turn of events. We started off as enemies. It was a series of misunderstandings that led to your hating me and my being entirely oblivious about it. You wouldn’t even let me near you. Then miraculously, we were whisked to the awkward land of Almost-Friends. Or was it the equally mysterious land of Friends-of-Convenience? Either way, we weren’t complete strangers any more. As time passed, we grew closer to each other. We grew up beside each other. It was you who mostly talked, while it was me who mostly listened. You said you didn’t like being the talkative one, but honestly, I didn’t like being the quiet one either. But we were predisposed to who we are. And so we continued.
For a few weeks, it was the same old story. It was a pattern we’ve mastered. It always started with a rant, then a joke, then another and another until we end up chortling our entire lives onto each other. No one complained. No one told the other to stop or say, “Hey maybe we should shut up for once in a while because this looming proximity isn’t something I’m used to.” I guess we couldn’t control it. It — us? We were too much a part of each other’s limbs, too much a part of each other’s words that stopping it would mean stopping the world. We looked at each other and saw ourselves. There wasn’t anything we could do about it but keep laughing at nothing and anything and everything in between. And so we continued.
Maybe it was my fault. I didn’t mean to push the boundaries of friendship any farther than it’s supposed to. But in my defense, we were getting extraordinarily comfortable with each other. Friendship turned into a dotted line that spiked with instances of more-than-friendship and less-than-whatever-lies-beyond-friendship. It was a poisonous thought. To think that we could reach any other place than where we are. But I am only human and human have dreams. On second thought, it was a gross thought, but I kept it at bay, letting it simmer at the back of my mind. Every day, I denied its existence but every night it kept creeping back. And so I continued to live the weird double life and pretended to be normal.
Now you’re unfair. You knew all along and you’ve kept shut. I thought you were the talkative one. And now you’re threatening to leave me. You’re threatening to leave your twin, your sibling, your person. I know I’m being melodramatic but look at what you’ve done. Or what I’ve done to myself. Or what we’ve both done to ourselves. You’re my life-support, and you’ve made me believe that I’m sick with an incurable disease that only you can make better. But the truth of the matter is, I’m not sick and you’re not the cure. You’re just a friend that I share common interests with. Actually, let’s not downplay it. You’re the friend that I share common interests with. I’d take a bullet for you, or a shot glass, whichever comes first. And being that friend doesn’t mean I’d have to with you. It doesn’t mean anything at all.
So maybe, it’s not my fault, that we’ve turned into such misguided hooligans. God knows it was your idea. And God knows I didn’t stop you from doing it. So God knows everything. All I know is that what we are is something we should be.