8.6.12

Sometimes I can’t figure out if I’m being honest because my brain tends to work faster than my heart. So for now, I’m giving my brain a break.  Here’s my attempt at honesty:

I’m sorry. I wish I were some unfeeling robot who could just turn away without giving things a second thought but unfortunately I’m not. It’s been weeks since the incident and ever since then it’s been eating me at the back of my mind. Every time I let my mind wonder for even just an infinitesimal of a second, it keeps coming back to that moment when I decided that it was worth burning bridges. Sometimes I wish I said different words instead, like “I don’t want it to end this way,” but that would have been a lie. Without intending it or not, this coldness would have been inevitable.

I guess we just had different priorities. We had different things on our plate. I was impetuous and you wanted consistency. I saw relationships as static but you thrived in their depth. In reality? I was just scared of people leaving me. Ultimately? I didn’t want to even have the possibility of allowing people to do that so I did it instead. Every time I’m with someone I keep distance. I never allow myself to go beyond a line that I’ve unknowingly crafted all these years. It always goes like this: whenever I’m with someone, I can only spend a set amount of time. I don’t want to overdo it. I don’t want to ask for favors. I don’t want to rely on that person because I don’t want to have the responsibility of having to return anything I’ve taken.

What maturity.

But that’s how I’ve wired myself. And now I’m terrified that I wouldn’t have anyone in the future. I’ve lived all my life making boundaries that I don’t know how far relationships can go anymore. Right now all I want is for you to say It’s okayI understandWe can still be friends. Let’s have another go.

Tonight’s the night

All I’m asking is what happened between us.

Because in truth, and I know everyone could back me up, I didn’t do anything. I did what I was told. I laughed at your jokes. I sighed at your hardships. I patted your back after a good day’s work. I told you the truth when you asked for it. I lied when you needed me to. What was missing from the equation?

I guess friendship can run its course. I guess all the jumping between blaring speakers, all the singing to Calvin Harris, all the downed alcohol, all the running and lying and crying are behind us now. It’s hard to think that we’re back to being strangers. It’s ironic, really. Imagine us in a different lifetime, when you didn’t change your mind. When nothing changed and we were still a team, a tandem, young partners-in-crime. Imagine all the fun we could’ve had.

But stop. Because there’s nothing worse than imaging something that used to be reality.

So I’ll stop thinking or imaging. I’ve been holding on for too long, I hadn’t felt my fingers numbing. So I’ll let go because you have.

You outgrow friendship like that soiled pair of sneakers you’ve been trying to keep. And you’ve definitely outgrown me.