8.6.12

Sometimes I can’t figure out if I’m being honest because my brain tends to work faster than my heart. So for now, I’m giving my brain a break.  Here’s my attempt at honesty:

I’m sorry. I wish I were some unfeeling robot who could just turn away without giving things a second thought but unfortunately I’m not. It’s been weeks since the incident and ever since then it’s been eating me at the back of my mind. Every time I let my mind wonder for even just an infinitesimal of a second, it keeps coming back to that moment when I decided that it was worth burning bridges. Sometimes I wish I said different words instead, like “I don’t want it to end this way,” but that would have been a lie. Without intending it or not, this coldness would have been inevitable.

I guess we just had different priorities. We had different things on our plate. I was impetuous and you wanted consistency. I saw relationships as static but you thrived in their depth. In reality? I was just scared of people leaving me. Ultimately? I didn’t want to even have the possibility of allowing people to do that so I did it instead. Every time I’m with someone I keep distance. I never allow myself to go beyond a line that I’ve unknowingly crafted all these years. It always goes like this: whenever I’m with someone, I can only spend a set amount of time. I don’t want to overdo it. I don’t want to ask for favors. I don’t want to rely on that person because I don’t want to have the responsibility of having to return anything I’ve taken.

What maturity.

But that’s how I’ve wired myself. And now I’m terrified that I wouldn’t have anyone in the future. I’ve lived all my life making boundaries that I don’t know how far relationships can go anymore. Right now all I want is for you to say It’s okayI understandWe can still be friends. Let’s have another go.

Advertisements

Silly

taken from tumblr.com

looking back it really didn’t matter
we were just consumed by our own lives
intertwined by the passion
that blazed on our fingertips

we didn’t seek for a tomorrow
because we were too thirsty for the now
and when we broke
we didn’t know what to do
we were hungry
and sad
and broken, partly because
it was truly our fault

time is queer
to think that it mends the deepest cuts
but kills the best of friends
so we took time for a stroll
to see what we really were

now
we’re old
centenarians
our heads pointed to the ground where we walk
our fingertips shriveled
as we traced the length of road we had to pass
“silly” you said
“silly” i agreed