Sometimes I can’t figure out if I’m being honest because my brain tends to work faster than my heart. So for now, I’m giving my brain a break. Here’s my attempt at honesty:
I’m sorry. I wish I were some unfeeling robot who could just turn away without giving things a second thought but unfortunately I’m not. It’s been weeks since the incident and ever since then it’s been eating me at the back of my mind. Every time I let my mind wonder for even just an infinitesimal of a second, it keeps coming back to that moment when I decided that it was worth burning bridges. Sometimes I wish I said different words instead, like “I don’t want it to end this way,” but that would have been a lie. Without intending it or not, this coldness would have been inevitable.
I guess we just had different priorities. We had different things on our plate. I was impetuous and you wanted consistency. I saw relationships as static but you thrived in their depth. In reality? I was just scared of people leaving me. Ultimately? I didn’t want to even have the possibility of allowing people to do that so I did it instead. Every time I’m with someone I keep distance. I never allow myself to go beyond a line that I’ve unknowingly crafted all these years. It always goes like this: whenever I’m with someone, I can only spend a set amount of time. I don’t want to overdo it. I don’t want to ask for favors. I don’t want to rely on that person because I don’t want to have the responsibility of having to return anything I’ve taken.
But that’s how I’ve wired myself. And now I’m terrified that I wouldn’t have anyone in the future. I’ve lived all my life making boundaries that I don’t know how far relationships can go anymore. Right now all I want is for you to say It’s okay. I understand. We can still be friends. Let’s have another go.